apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
