I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
