Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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