He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
