i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
