I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I am naked and annoyed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
