This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
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The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
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Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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