Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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