I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
