im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
