so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
