One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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