my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
jump out the window naked night went bad
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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