Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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