This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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