1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
