I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
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I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
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Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
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