I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My day in three words: secret purse cake
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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