Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
