in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
