When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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