fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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