doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
