I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
