I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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