I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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