Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
