woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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