highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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