i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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