I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Come see our sink grown plant.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.