Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..