i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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