I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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