I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
