He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
