I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
