this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
