There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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