if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
