you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
