wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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