I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
