I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
