The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
