Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
