I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
