I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry about my life...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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