My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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