I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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