If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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