nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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