they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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