I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
