Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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