I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
